The Martyr
by Sam deLittle
Summary: Meyrin has been contacting Athrun through emails for a long time.  She receives a new guitar from her sister, Luna, and begins to realize that making yourself miserable in the name of love is a painful, torturing experience. [Asumey with a bit of ShinMey]


This is a songfic to "Teardrops on My Guitar" by Taylor Swift. Just giving credit where credit is due.

* * *

The Martyr 

He had sent another e-mail to her. If there was one thing that Athrun did well, it was write. His letters were always faithful, coming at least once a week, a picture usually attached and a lengthy anecdote about his job or his life at home.

Her responses were just as lengthy, usually including a variety of smiley faces. It was easier to keep the e-mails light hearted. She sent him photos back as well. She was always alone in the photos. He was hardly ever alone.

Dear Athrun,

Thanks for your last e-mail.  It certainly made me laugh – the mishap in the kitchen was probably horrible while it was happening, but it's certainly funny to read about later. :D

How's life in ORB? I've heard that Earth is getting a lot of thunderstorms lately. It's weird to hear about things like that since the PLANTs never get violent storms. Regulated weather is certainly a plus. But I guess it does take away the element of surprise that you have while living on Earth. ;)

I wish you were still here on the PLANTs. Lunamaria and Shinn both miss your company as well. But I assure them that you're doing important work, and it wouldn't be right for you to leave Ms. Athha alone.

I've attached a picture of me and my guitar. My lessons are coming along really well. My instructor says I'm a natural. I wonder if my parents wanted me to be a musical genius?

Give my regards to Ms. Athha. Write back soon.

Love,

Meyrin

_He looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see  
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be  
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about  
And she's got everything that I have to live without  
_

Meyrin felt comforted whenever she played her guitar. "You need a hobby!" Lunamaria had insisted when she bought the instrument for Meyrin. "It's so depressing! You, living alone in this apartment, just going to work every day!"

"B-But I can't even play the guitar," Meyrin had tried to tell her sister. "And I don't have time to learn…"

"It can't be that hard!" Lunamaria insisted, shoving the guitar and pick into Meyrin's hand. "And don't tell me you don't have time. All you ever do is write e-mails to Athrun—I mean…"

"It's all right." Meyrin shook her head, knowing that her older sister was about to apologize. "You're right. This might be fun."

She ran her fingers on the face of the guitar. It was a soft, inviting, polished wood that was warm and comforting underneath her fingers. Her nails brushed the strings – a small, nearly inaudible sound came out of it. She smiled, shaking her head. "All right. I'll give it a try."

The neck of the guitar fit nicely in her hand, and the headstock was an interesting design that reminded her of a person kneeling in prayer. His back was full of stakes -- the tuners – but he kept his head kneeling in respect. Meyrin was almost afraid to adjust the tuners – it felt as though she were violently and gruesomely driving the stakes into the back of the praying man. But he never complained, so neither did she.

She came to realize that this man must be very devoted to his god to continue his prayers even when he was suffering so dearly. The pain was unbearable.

_  
He talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny  
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me  
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,  
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night  
_

She took her long red hair out of her tidy braid (she had ditched the pigtails after she had turned seventeen) and changed into a pair of jeans and a baggy tee-shirt. After five months of lessons, she had picked it up pretty well and had gotten to the point where she could be self-taught. All it came to now was teaching herself the songs. She didn't mind how long it took to learn a particular passage of a particular song. She wasn't going anywhere – there was no rush.

She drove the stakes into the back of the praying man as she settled down in front of her computer to check her e-mail. Athrun's letter wasn't due yet, but she liked to check every day just to make sure.

And she was glad that she had. He had sent her a letter that morning. She ceased the torture of the praying man and settled the guitar next to her so she could click on the e-mail.

It was relatively generic. Asking how she was doing – telling her how nicely his own life was going. He made her laugh – again. Another photo attached. She opened it, and bit her lip.

_This is a picture of Cagalli on our anniversary. She's got watermelon seeds on her face, and she'd be really angry if she knew that I sent you this picture, so don't tell her, okay?_

She hit "reply". The first line of her e-mail was easy:

Dear Athrun,

The next was harder. But she wrote it anyway:

She looks beautiful.

_He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar  
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star  
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do_

"That was really great Meyrin!" Lunamaria said, rubbing Meyrin's shoulders as she finished playing her song. "Hey, do you know "Dore Dore Pumpkin Curse"? You know, the theme song from that one anime?"

"Don't play it Meyrin," Shinn warned from the kitchen where he was putting the dishes away from dinner. "She'll start singing."

"Are you saying my singing's bad?" Lunamaria asked. Meyrin was about to giggle; she suddenly realized that Luna was seriously miffed.

"I just don't want the neighbors giving Meyrin trouble," Shinn said. There wasn't a joking tone in his voice. Meyrin saw Luna's expression get darker.

"Fine. Drive yourself home!" Lunamaria shouted, grabbing her coat and heading towards the door. Meyrin would have stood up, but her guitar was in her lap. So she simply called out to her sister.

"Big sister! Luna!" Her calls didn't reach Luna's ears. Her sister kept walking. Meyrin turned to Shinn, who was still washing Meyrin's dishes. Meyrin finally lifted the guitar off her lap and ran to the door that Luna had just opened and was about to slam. "Wait!"

"What?" Luna snapped, and Meyrin flinched slightly. She stepped out onto the porch and shut the door. Luna looked like she was about to devour Meyrin in one fatal gulp if she even so much as breathed the wrong way.

"He-He didn't mean it," Meyrin said. "Shinn's just like that. He says things without thinking and—"

"Oh Meyrin," Luna shook her head. "It's not just the singing. I would have taken it for a joke if it weren't for everything else." Meyrin's expression asked the begging question: 'what everything else?'. "He's…Shinn and I are growing apart Meyrin. I just don't like being with him anymore. He's pushing me away…and I think I'm pushing too."

"B-but you've been together for years!" Meyrin insisted. "How can you just--"

"It's just not working out…" Luna shook her head, her voice trailing to become barely a whisper. "I don't want to live like this anymore."

"Luna you can't! You love Shinn and you know it!" Meyrin's voice was raising. Luna was beginning to walk to the car, but Meyrin was following her. For the second time in her life, Meyrin wasn't about to let someone get away from her. "Don't give up on what you've got. You can _work it out_."

Luna looked at Meyrin, her eyes watery. Meyrin put her hand on Luna's shoulder, and the touch made Luna break. Tears began to flow down on her face, and Meyrin hugged her, letting Luna cry on her shoulder. "If you let Shinn get away, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life."

"O-Okay," Luna nodded, drying her tears and looking up. "I'm…I'll talk to Shinn."

"I'll tell him you're waiting for him," Meyrin said, smiling. "Don't drive off without him, okay? I'll be right back!"

_  
He walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?  
And there he goes, so perfectly,  
The kind of flawless I wish I could be  
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love  
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause  
_

Dear Meyrin,

I passed on your compliments to Cagalli. She says thanks, and that you're beautiful in your photos too. But she is a little mad that I'm sending you so many photos of her. But I hardly get to take any of her since she's so busy all the time. Most of the ones I have are actually from Kira, who takes a lot of candid shots of Cagalli. She gets really mad at him, but he does it anyway. I guess she gets camera shy.

She mentioned that she likes your guitar and that she might want a guitar like yours – but she's really way too busy to learn how to play one. I told her as much.

Nicol played the piano, but I never really appreciated it much. Hey, in your response, can you attach a video or an audio clip of a song on your guitar? You've got a microphone, right? I miss music.

I'm glad to hear that Luna and Shinn are doing better. I'm a bit surprised, but happily so. Luna and Shinn are really different, but so are Cagalli and me, so I guess that the saying's true: opposites attract.

I'm really looking forward to your playing! Don't forget to attach it. 

Best wishes,

Athrun

_  
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar  
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star  
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do  
_

She tortured the praying man a bit before she settled on a song to play. Her video was all set up and she was ready to begin. This would be her first video to Athrun in awhile. It would be up close and personal, something she was slightly nervous about.

"Hey there Athrun!" she said after pressing "record". "Well, you requested a performance from the great Meyrin Hawke, and here it is. I hope I can live up to your expectations. It's country. Hope you're not a country music hater. I can't exactly play classical on this thing."

She fingered her pick slightly, took a deep breath, and began to strum on the strings of the guitar. This was her favorite part: when she realized that the sounds coming out of her guitar were forming a beautiful song. Songs were gorgeous things, and making one come from your very own fingertips was a magical experience.

She had played the song so many times she didn't need sheet music or a reminder of the notes. It was physical memory now. Her fingers moved on their own, and she felt her eyelids closing. It was almost meditative.

She finished and didn't speak. She didn't dare open her mouth for fear that the wrong words might fall out. She hit "stop" on the camera and looked down at the guitar. Her fingers fell over the praying, pained man.

"It's a little unfair," Meyrin murmured, "that he has to go under constant torture just so I can sound better."

_  
So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light  
I'll put his picture down and maybe  
Get some sleep tonight  
_

Luna and Shinn broke up a week later. Working it out hadn't worked as well as Meyrin thought it would have. They were better people apart, or so Luna had said. No amount of working it out would have helped. Meyrin was beating a dead – no, an _abused_ and dead horse.

"Don't you love him?" Meyrin asked Luna over the phone.

"…Yes. Yes I do," Luna said. Meyrin perked up slightly. "But love is more than caring about another person. Love is being able to understand and accept another person. You have to make yourself happy too. So…I love Shinn. But not enough. Not enough to make it work. I'm tired of making myself miserable."

Meyrin had always thought love was the end all and be all of relationships. If you truly loved each other, it would work out. It felt like all she had ever believed in was being turned head over heels.

At least there was one thing constant in her life: Athrun's e-mail came on time.

Dear Meyrin,

I heard about Luna and Shinn. I can't say I'm surprised. Some people are just too different, I guess. I know the experience first hand. Cagalli and I get into fights sometimes, because we're just so different. I was surprised she even wanted me back after the second war with O.M.N.I. I was overjoyed that she was giving me a second chance. But, despite that, we still fight sometimes. I don't want to give up on this, Meyrin. This is the first time I've told you all this. I'm glad to get it off my chest. I can't even tell Kira about this – it would be awkward – he and Cagalli are so close.

Your letters mean the world to me. Sometimes, I just need to unwind and tell someone about my life. Someone who has time to listen. It sometimes seems like I'm lost down here. But I want to make this work. I love Cagalli – I want to make it work so, so badly.

Enough about my depressing life. Your song was great. You're really great at playing. I wish you would sing the lyrics to the song though. I know you can sing, so don't tell me you can't. I still remember Luna's birthday party, where you sang that really beautiful song. All the eyes in the room were on you.

What's the song you played called? If you won't sing it for me, at least tell me the title so I can find it on the internet.

Love,

Athrun

_  
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar  
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart  
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do  
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough  
And he's all that I need to fall into.._

She didn't think twice. She pulled out her camera, set up her guitar on her lap and faced the lens. She didn't torture the man today. She sounded good – no, she sounded the best she ever had in a long time. She was tired of torturing that praying man – the man who did nothing but be constantly faithful and stalwart. He had done nothing wrong, but Meyrin hurt him every day, just so she could present a better song. Just so she could make it seem like everything was fine.

She pressed record.

"Hey Athrun," Meyrin smiled at the camera, but she could already feel tears coming to her eyes. "The song's called "Teardrops on My Guitar", and I'm going to sing it for you. But before I do…"

She took a deep breath and smiled at the camera, "Your letters mean the world to me too. They always have. I know things are tough now… You love Cagalli – but I want to remind you that…" she sighed, "…that love is more than caring about another person. Love is being able to understand and accept another person. You have to make yourself happy too. And trying to force love…trying to force anything to work isn't going to make you happy. That's why I didn't follow you."

Finally, it was time to say everything she had ever wanted to say to him and more.

"I didn't follow you to Earth because I knew that you were in love with Cagalli. And I thought that true love would keep you two together forever. I-I didn't want to get in the way of that. But the truth is – I always wanted to tell you how I felt." She wore a broad smile, but her tears were evident in her eyes. "I love you too Athrun. I know you want to make it work with Cagalli, but I'm tired…I'm tired of going through this pain. I want to make myself happy too. So I'm telling you this," she said, and then took a small breath, "and then I'm going to move on. I feel like I finally can now. So, this song is for you."

She strummed the guitar and began to play – she knew the lyrics by heart. The melody came naturally, and the words seem to fly off her tongue as though she wrote them herself. She had never felt so happy, so free. Everything she had ever wanted to say was flowing out of her – her years of sadness were represented in the lyrics.

She finished, but she was crying now. "Goodbye Athrun," she said. "Please don't stop writing. I won't. Good luck with everything."

She hit the "stop" button and immediately put the file on her computer. She wasn't going to let herself not do this.

The "send" button had never looked so great. And as she clicked it, she felt as though a ton of weight had been lifted off her shoulders. It was time to move on. She was going to let herself now. No more making herself miserable.

Because that wasn't what love was.

_He looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see._

She got a new guitar with a different headstock. It was a bit more expensive, but she had gotten what she had paid for: it was gorgeous and sounded magnificent. This one had parallel tuners. They reminded her of stairs ascending towards a high summit. She loved twisting them, making it easier for an imaginary mountaineer to climb to the high peek of her guitar neck.

Athrun continued to write – he thanked her for her words and encouraged her to keep going. But he had made it clear that he didn't intend to leave Cagalli. Meyrin, surprisingly, was fine with that.

Even more surprisingly was when Shinn asked her out to dinner. Meyrin was a little afraid of what Luna would say, but Luna was already enamored with another man, and she encouraged Meyrin to go after Shinn. "I always suspected he had a little crush on you," she nudged her sister, "I used to get so pissed off about it."

Things were better now. She and Shinn were a couple, and she and Athrun were still steadfast pen-pals. "The amount of e-mails you send to him kind of ticks me off," Shinn said as Meyrin sent another e-mail. "I know you used to like him."

"Note the 'used to' in that sentence," Meyrin remarked. "You're still jealous of Athrun, aren't you?"

"J-Jealous? M-Me? No! No way! I just…I just…"

"Just what?" Meyrin asked, turning in her chair and standing up to meet Shinn's eyes better. She put her hands around his waist and looked up at him.

"I just don't want him coming one day and whisking you away," Shinn spat out. "You wouldn't go with him…would you?"

Meyrin paused. Just two months ago, if Athrun had e-mailed her asking her to run away with him, she would have jumped at the opportunity, packing her bags in twenty minutes and waiting on her porch for him to come. But now…

"No," she shook her head. "I'm happy with you Shinn." She stood on her toes and gave Shinn a quick kiss. "I'm happy with me when I'm with you Shinn."

"Hmm," he smiled and brushed his hand against her hair. "Me too."

"Come on," she said, stepping back and grabbing his hand. "I'll play you a song."

She pulled the tuners out of her old guitar and threw them in the trash. Luna thought she was crazy – "You could have sold that!" – but Meyrin knew best. She kept the now useless guitar in the corner of her bedroom. Despite everything she had gone through while she was playing it, she was grateful for the guitar. The stakes were in the trash, and although it could no longer play, it sat in the corner of the room silently and peacefully, as if in a state of serenity, acceptance. Meyrin thought it was actually better when it wasn't trying so hard to sound beautiful.

The praying man looked a lot happier now.


End file.
